Calling myself the F out

I'm writing this blog post from a fancy coffee/champagne bar (Di Bosco in Horbs for you Wakey folk) today because I decided I needed to get out the house as I have been in a bit of a grump/funk for the last few days. You know that feeling when you're moody and annoying yourself and want to do things but don't know what to do with yourself but have loads of things you could and 'should' do. Yep, we all get that way so this is my bid to pull my sorry ass out of it and get moving. I've booked a table, packed my laptop, got dressed and my lovely friend Tracy is coming along to be productive too (and also drive me there because I can't drive at the moment - you don't realise how much you just pop in the car and do what you want till you can't do it!!). I knew there was going to be some down days at some point, I suffered Post-Natal Depression after having the boys so I know that with the ups, comes the downs. Over the last few weeks I've been prepared for my energy dipping, knowing that it was bound to happen soon. I guess the first dip is happening now.

I thought I would get myself out of the house, have a change of scenery and set myself the task of writing a blog post today then I've achieved something. So here I am. I've got a coffee, a diet coke and a podcast on to block everybody out and I'm typing away.

Little side note... Podcasts, please message me with your faves! I need to keep occupied! I'm currently listening to:

• Shagged, Married, Annoyed by Chris & Rosie Ramsay

• No Holes Barred

• My Dad Wrote a Porno

• Owning It: The Anxiety Podcast

So basically I listen to stuff that chats a load of sh*t, is funny and talks about stuff that's a bit disgusting haha. I can't seem to listen to serious stuff or audio books for some reason. If anyone has any recommendations of any similar podcasts... hit me uppp (again, who the hell do I think I am. I am 28 not 18. I would never say hit me up out loud).

On Friday I went back to the surgeon to get all the dressings removed and a general check on the new boobs. Good news is that they're healing really well and everything is as they should. We've located where my remaining nipple is too which is also good news. FYI my right boob was covered in surgical dressings and I had no idea where the nipple was haha just that it was supposed to be under there somewhere. It did look horrific though and I couldn't bring myself to look at it for a few days. Feeling a bit friendlier towards it now though and hopefully we'll become friends again over the next few weeks. My new nickname has been Frankenboobs over the weekend - good job I can laugh about these things!

On Saturday night things got a bit too painful and I ended up back on the codeine and decided to get checked out as I was worried there may be some fluid collection on my left side. It feels so strange, I can literally feel sloshing when I'm moving about and going from laying down to sitting and it hurts like hell. I didn't have a good experience this time as this meant a 3 hr wait to be triaged at the urgent treatment centre then another 1 hr wait to see the Dr who asked me why I'd had a mastectomy because he'd never seen someone that had Breast Cancer at 28 before and didn't know what mastectomy scars normally look like. I can honestly say I wasn't feeling the most confident in his care at this point and extremely vulnerable getting my new scars out. It was 3am in the morning, I'd been there for 4hrs on my own in a considerable amount of pain surrounded by drunk people including a racist woman that called me a sl*g for helping 2 Polish ladies she was racially abusing. It was bloody horrible. I am the biggest advocate for our NHS but I really feel let down by what happened on Saturday. Before I went to the Urgent Treatment Centre, I'd called the Surgical Assessment Unit (the number on the answer phone for the Breast Care Nurses who I would usually ring but aren't there on a weekend) who had recommended that I go there after listening to the symptoms I was experiencing. The Dr in the Urgent Treatment Centre told me that I should have gone to A&E because they didn't have the facilities to deal with the reason I went there, ideally it needed an Ultrasound and they don't have that there. I don't understand why I wasn't sent somewhere else at an earlier stage?! I spoke to multiple nurses and healthcare professionals. I totally understand that people are generally seen by clinical need so by waiting it means I am the lucky one and that I am deemed to be the most clinically well and least in need of treatment and I am thankful of that. So I went home at 4am in the morning absolutely deflated, feeling like I'd wasted everyone's time, including my amazing friend Laura's time who had sat in her car in the hospital car park waiting for me all that time. I felt no more reassured whether my boob was okay or not and was still in a considerable amount of pain.

Shitty Saturday/Sunday morning over and of course I watched the England match (normally more of a Ice Hockey fan but it'll do). We went round to our friends with the boys and got all facepainted/hairsprayed up which was lovely, the kids were sooo excited.

It's times like that which I'm trying to focus on and be grateful for because realistically I do have lots to be grateful for and I think sometimes we all need to call ourselves out when we are in the hole or in a grump. It's not easy, I've had to drag my sorry ass out the house and get someone to drive me to a bar but It. Is. Do-able.

3 Things I am Grateful for:

1. I have friends and family that genuinely love me and my boys (yes that includes you Ry)

2. I am recovering well - I didn't think I would be out and about less than 2 weeks post-surgery

3. I have lots to look forward to - I have the most amazing family holiday booked for Oct 2022 when all treatment is over to celebrate lots of big family birthdays

I am now 2 coffees in and buzzzzzzzzinnnngggggg. I'm generally more of a (Yorkshire) tea girl so 2 coffees is a lot for me. I'm gonna leave it here as a job well done and mission accomplished. I've wrote the blog post I set out to. Apologies for the little rant but I needed to get it out and I set this blog up to be cathartic as well as informative. The next big appointment is on Friday (16th July), the results from my surgery will be back and will have been discussed at the multidisciplinary team meeting (MDT) so I will be told what the whole tumour was like (whether it was the same as the biopsies they took initially) and again if the lymph nodes they took were clear. This impacts next steps in terms of chemo and rads. Finger's crossed my nodes are still negative and the surgeon got good margins!

I'll keep you posted. Lots of love,

Kirst x