Radiating Truth

I've not written a blog post for ages - well over a year but I'm sat here tonight looking through the posts of #worldcancerday2025 on Instagram etc thinking f***ing hell, what a ride these last few years have been. Days like these always stir a mix of emotions up.

I've posted myself on Insta with a little bit of my story and my blog which has received lots of love and kind comments but I just can't sit with the 'you're an inspiration' etc comments (that sounds awful - I know). I don't think I am. I'm just a normal woman who had her world absolutely flipped upside down and spun around for good measure. I had no choice but to keep going for my family and the possibility of a normal life. But I'm not the only one and I sadly I won't be the last. It's hard to put it into words how days like this make me feel. Im soo beyond grateful that I'm still here and have some sense of normality back in my life but I'm also still living with the effects of Cancer and finding ways to life with it. I'm most certainly NOT "fine now".

Since the end of active treatment (Jan 2022) I've had another reconstructive surgery after my first one failed and caused me a lot of pain (you may remember my tales of rock titty that would do you more damage if you bashed into it), 5 infusions of bisphosphonates (drugs to stop me getting osteoporosis), over 30 injections into my belly to suppress my ovaries (with a bloody big needle) not to mention various hospital admissions and the mass of appointments and scans. I'm 3 years down the line from what I thought would be the end of the bulk of my treatment but actually I'm still been very much in it and I've still got a way to go. A recent appointment with the Oncologist confirmed i'll need the injections till 2031 - only 6 more years to go whoop!🎉🗓️

Some positives

There has been some amazing positives too, I got married, graduated with a first (no idea how) and have started my first job as a qualified Diagnostic Radiographer ❤️. I've been able to go on holidays again and create some gorgeous memories with my friends and family.

Survivorship

However, I may be alone in my thinking, but I'm probably sure I'm not when I say that unfortunately once you're in this shitty Cancer club, you never really seem to get out and that's a hard pill to swallow. I've felt that more than ever recently when starting my new job, my first post as a graduate where I'm having to constantly figure out what I can and can't do without knackering myself and pushing myself too far. Its a career I've battled so hard to get to but now feels so hard to enjoy at times. Its really not normal to have to be discussing the need for some scans due to ongoing pain/worries which may be the sign of Cancer coming back in an empty office at work 9am then be back out facing patients and been my best self at 9.30am. Not a dig at my employer one bit (they're fab) but its hard to separate and partition. Especially when you're a wear your heart on your sleeve gal like me. I honestly worry that my managers think I'm mentally unstable with the amount of crying I do sometimes! - I have always been a cryer. It's hard to balance having a normal life and keeping up with Cancer life. Every month I have to go to the Cancer clinic for my monthly injection (because my GP is not willing) which means I'm back where I had chemo and where I sat when I was in the thick of it. I can't afford to not go to work after as that would mean my family would suffer financially too.

Survivorship also comes with the challenge of people around you getting their own diagnoses. What do you tell them? What don't you tell them? A friend at the beginning of her treatment text me and told me how angry and crap she was feeling. I said I had felt the same during my treatment, but then she asked me where my blogs were of the days when I wanted to give up and felt so shit. The truth is they're still in my drafts because I was too scared to post. Too scared to show how bad things can really get in case anyone found my post and it scared them. I can guarantee everyone thats been through Cancer treatment would have bits they may skirt around because I know there's some bits I hold back. I was also scared people would think I'm not been positive enough, especially with a blog called Radiating Positivity. But as time has gone on, I've come to realise that actually, you don't have to be positive all the time and that's okay because it's real. At the time I think I compared myself to some of the other bloggers and Instagram accounts and didn't want to upset anyone.

What I'm trying to say, whether its come across that way or not, is that a Cancer diagnosis has a long term impact that is not always visible. It doesn't end once chemo/radio or surgery is done. Writing this has made me reflect on the last few years, I'm still the bubbly, smiley girl I always have been but I do have a different outlook these days. Maybe I'll look back on this post in another year and be in a totally different space - who knows.

There needs to be change 👊

What is clear though is that there needs to be change. There isn't enough help for this bit after. Breast Cancer Now do a fab course called 'Moving Forward' (which I volunteer on when I can) and Maggies do a similar one which I think is called 'What Next'. They're great support and signposting places, but what is also needed is the actual financial support to live with the long term effects and a better systems by employers to support their employees going through this. I need the space to be able to go to appointments and not be at a financial detriment. I need more healthcare professionals to have training in Cancer services and be aware of the impacts of Cancer. I've not worked it out yet but these are some of the things I want to influence and educate about.

Thank you for coming to my TED talk

Kirst x